Where are my instructions?

Why not go to heaven right now, where there is none of these crap feelings. Feelings that say nothing is ever enough, depressed and alone feelings and the really not seeing the purpose in life feelings. Is it weird that I think these things when I am a wife and a mother, is that in its self not awesome? Sadly only some days do I really see how awesome it is, many days recently anyway, I feel the struggle of not knowing what the heck I am doing.

When did I grow up? I still feel like i am 20 and now I have a husband and a baby saying to myself

"excuse me, where are my instructions?"

When no one hands them to me I run from the feelings, I stuff them inside pretending it will get better and when that does not work I start eating until I feel really full and it makes me forget the feelings and then when that no longer helps and I have gained weight and have even more crap feelings I say

"OK God I am ready to go to my real home now, ready to be in heaven with you."

In Philippians Paul writes:

"I am torn between two desires. I long to go and be with Christ which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live." Philippians 1:23

I so relate with Paul and I agree that it would be far FAR better for ME to be with Jesus, but I have a 18 month year old son who needs me and a husband who needs me too and I know it would be far better for them if I stay.

Since I became a wife and a mom somehow my relationship with God changed and I stopped turning to him. I stopped really getting my strength from him, which is now why I am at a place that I am saying enough. Enough of eating my feelings, enough of numbing myself with books and TV.....ENOUGH!!!

But now what?
I am not sure, I want to spend more time with God, I want to see the blessings and I want to say no to the lies of the world. So here it goes I hope you will keep reading with me on my journey in this season of being a mom, in this season where my dreams maybe are not the most important. Share your stories with me, lets encourage each other to make better choices and please let us not take our eyes off of God :).